Flurry O' Fury

Tuesday, September 20, 2005

As a result of Katrina, Rebecca totally freaks out whenever she hears that a tropical depression has formed somewhere. In an effort to alleviate her fears, I went shopping today to assemble a disaster preparedness kit for our home. I feel certain that we will be able to weather any storm with the following items:

12 gallons of water
20 D batteries
Clean socks
Scooby Doo flashlight
Duct tape
Handgun
Moist towelettes
Case of Blueberry Pop-Tarts
Beef jerky, turkey jerky, mystery jerky (was on sale)
Flintstones chewable vitamins
Additional handgun, extra ammo
Pocket knife
First aid kit with Tylenol, Neosporin, KY Jelly
Stop, Drop, and Smurf: Papa Smurf’s Guide to Emergency Safety
Weather radio
Assorted handguns, throwing stars
Bush/Cheney campaign sign (to signal first responders)

As you can see, I have only stocked the essentials. Unfortunately, we only have enough to provide for ourselves, so any friends or neighbors seeking assistance will be shot at. I want everyone to remember that safety always comes first, and in any emergency, it would be safest for you to stay the hell away from me.

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Power has been restored to Thibodaux, so my Louisiana in-laws have headed home. But while they were staying with us, I learned some very important lessons about living with Cajun folk:

Don’t bother trying to pronounce Atchafalaya, Opelousas, Calcasieu, or Tatooine.
Don’t throw away any part of the gator, not even the claws (which can be used for soup, apparently).
Refrain from drawing analogies to The Waterboy.
Anything can be improved with Tabasco, including floor polish and shampoo.
It’s impolite to refer to Cajuns as Swamp People, Swampies, or Bayou Irish.
Don’t argue that fishing isn’t a sport.
Don’t confuse a Cajun with a Creole – the Creoles killed Jesus.
And never, never ever ask what’s in the gumbo, because they might just tell you.

All kidding aside, I’m glad the in-laws have a place to go back to. We have so many friends and even extended family who have lost everything to Katrina. So many people are coming to Houston and I’ve got several calls from folks looking for living space or just advice. Most of them are overwhelmed by the size of the city, but everyone still has a good attitude. In fact, whenever I talk to anyone affected by Katrina, there’s no sense of anger in them, no trace of self-pity, no feeling of helplessness. There’s a general attitude of “#$%* happens” and “let’s move on”. I think that’s pretty courageous and it makes you want to help these people all the more. I’m sure that most of you have spent the week watching looting and shooting on CNN, but I want to tell you that adversity can bring a lot of good out of people too. No one here is giving up and the South shall rise again.

Friday, September 02, 2005

I’d like to welcome all of the New Orleans evacuees to Texas and offer them a few guidelines for our fair state:

First of all, don’t try to shove forward in line, because there’s enough room for everyone. This is Texas, and room is what we specialize in.

Being from Louisiana, you may be wondering where we’re hiding all of our liquor. We don’t sell it in supermarkets, convenience stores, and drive-throughs like you do. Instead, we keep all of our hard booze in “liquor stores”, next to our beef jerky.

If any of you are interesting in staying here on a permanent basis, you’re welcome to apply for Texas citizenship. All you need to show is proof of ownership of (1) a pickup truck, (2) a dawg, and (3) a shotgun. If you do not have those items, the requirements can still be waived with a letter of recommendation from Nolan Ryan.

Please try to fit in with our other immigrants by learning to speak Spanish and working for less than minimum wage. Remember, they were here first, so play nice.

And above all else, please refrain from looting. Never forget that this is Texas, so we’re all packing.