Flurry O' Fury

Friday, July 08, 2005

We just found out that one of Rebecca’s cousins will be visiting us this weekend – he’s in Texas this month for training. This begins a mad dash to clean-up our apartment in an attempt to conceal our day-to-day slovenliness from cousin Robert behind a Martha Stewart-ish façade. I have no doubt that 99% of Americans go through the same routine before company comes over – and the other 1% probably live in crack houses.

Rebecca starts by scrubbing the grime out of the bathroom. I clean out the refrigerator, disposing of leftovers so mysterious and ancient that they were probably prepared by Druids. The coffee and kitchen tables, those vast repositories of junk, are swept clean of various items, including: junk mail, a toy basketball, a variety of pens, a sketch book, a copy of The South Beach Diet, spare change, empty glasses, magazines, superglue, and AAA batteries. And the guest bed linens must be washed clean of all dachshund hair.

But, most importantly, all embarrassing personal items must be concealed from view, including sexual aides, feminine hygiene products, and The South Beach Diet.

So welcome, cousin Robert. The Hotel Ginsburg is now open for business. Welcome to our lie.

3 Comments:

  • At 8:54 AM, Blogger Alice in Infoland said…

    "leftovers so mysterious and ancient that they were probably prepared by Druids."
    Great description!! so much more evocative than just "another science experiment" which is how most people describe moldy leftovers.

     
  • At 9:33 AM, Blogger Lori said…

    Concealing sexual aides is SO key.

    My husband and I just put our house up for sale last week, and had to do a thorough check for all naughty toys.

    Although now that I think about it, maybe that would be a selling point?

     
  • At 12:40 PM, Blogger Jim said…

    Wait a minute. Are we talking about sexual aids or sexual aides? I was impressed with Jason for going beyond the handcuffs and vinyl underwear and actually having some sweet young thing in a French maid's costume assisting, but maybe that's not the case...

     

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