Flurry O' Fury

Friday, July 15, 2005


This guy is just sitting in front of me in the left turn lane, waiting for the light to change. This is ridiculous. This particular light shouldn’t even be here and 9 out of 10 cars treat it like a yield. I’m sure that it’s only the result of some paranoid soccer mom who’s convinced that Junior will be run over unless we have a light every 50 feet and speed bumps inbetween. It’s just #$%*ing pointless to sit here and wait for it, but this guy is doing just that and I’m stuck behind him.

How #$%*ing sad is he? Living life this way, never bending a rule, never taking a chance? I bet he’s one of these #$%*ing idiots who always drives the speed limit too, even though it’s arbitrary and unenforced. Just some gray-haired fool in an $80K Jaguar that he probably never pushes past 70mph. Wow, I bet the valets at the golf club are really impressed with all the money you blew on that car, just so you could putter around town like grandma in her ’77 Olds.

Run the light already, you #$%*sucker! Life’s too short, man! Embrace your own mortality! Carpe diem! Turn off your soft rock radio garbage and accelerate! #$%* man! Free yourself!

But still we wait. I’d jump out of my car and kill him if he weren’t already dead. They might as well bury him right here. “Here lies John Jaguar in the left turn lane of life. Survived by wife Jane Jaguar, 2.5 kids, and his coin collection. He died as he lived, waiting for a #$%*ing light to come on.”

And then the light goes green… but he still doesn’t move.

HOOOOONK! Wake up, mother#$%*er!

Finally, a pulse! Yes, he finally makes the turn and life resumes. Here’s hoping that one day, someday, that guy will have something, somewhere that’s worth running a lazy light for…

You know, like a kick-off or a first pitch.


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