Flurry O' Fury

Friday, June 24, 2005

As I was riding around town yesterday, a van pulled up next to me with a large logo for the “Beat Assassins”. What the #$%* is a Beat Assassin? Is it someone who kills the beat in music? If so, who would want to listen to music that doesn’t have a beat? Matchbox 20 fans?

Or maybe a Beat Assassin is someone who kills you with some kind of giant woofer capable of causing internal bleeding. Or maybe the music simply drives you to kill yourself, like Matchbox 20 (hmm, a pattern is forming). Is there some kind of Beat Assassins concert somewhere for suicidal audiophiles? I had to know the answer.

To find out, I went to the Beat Assassins website. It turns out that they travel all over Texas to assassinate people, mostly at shopping malls. For example, they’ll be at the Tanger Outlet Center in San Marcos, Texas on July 8th, beating people to death with their music. As an attorney, I can’t understand why the Tanger Outlet Center would expose itself to so much liability by letting Beat Assassins run amok on its property. Maybe a visit from the Beat Assassins is just a prelude to bankruptcy.

Anyway, if you would like to be beat assassinated while shopping for ½ price jeans and discontinued sneakers, be sure to check out the Tanger Outlet Center on July 8th. Word!

By the way, if my life should suddenly and mysteriously end soon after this post, you should probably assume that I have been beat assassinated in response to my words here. If this should occur, I urge you to avenge my death by hiring the Hi-Fi Killers for retaliation.


  • At 1:45 PM, Blogger Beat Assassins said…

    Beat Assassins just means to make tight beats. If you are familiar with anything hip-hop or slang this would not be that big of a mystery.

    I would suggest a hip hop dictionary so you can be hip to what's up.

  • At 1:17 PM, Blogger Furious Jam said…

    I am not able to find any definition of "Beat Assassin" in any dictionary.

    However, the Urban Dictionary does provide a definition of "poser" at www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=poser - I suggest you read it.

  • At 7:44 PM, Blogger Beat Assassins said…

    Don't get scared because blacks are coming back to rock. I understand ya but it is what is is


    B.A. 2005


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